Rouge streaks and crimson kiss

i was really looking forward till later so that i could at least home to fetch baby from work. but we're not going to spend time after his work together, he had to go back to his aunt's house. and he's afraid that it would be troublesome for him. but its not at all, nothing is troublesome, to do anything for him. but he keeps telling me its troublesome etc, okay honestly, i feel so rejected :/ i know he cares, but its really fine with me. cause i don't mind just fetching him from work, getting to see him for just less than an hour on our trip home and then go home myself. i really don't mind. but he keeps trying to say no, and im sounding so pushy, and okay, i really still do want to fetch him but then, he doesnt want :/ it feels abit like he's pushing me away but i know its not really that, he just doesnt want to trouble me.

okay .. i was really so looking forward. we agreed on it together :/ i would send him to work and then fetch him after work for consecutive 3 days, but things has to change cause i had to work for the past 2 days. i only fetch him after work once and that was because we were going to marina bay sands together so i had to meet him anyway. and well, i think he forgot why we agreed on me fetching him from work :/ nvm, i'll just drown myself in this sad feeling the whole day today :( we're still on the topic on if im still going to fetch him after work though , but i think chances are he'll just keep saying no :/

dont say no :/ just say okay, can't wait to see you after work :) <3 please ? :'(

okay ive just realised i kind of vent alot alot alot over the past few days , well pardon me . life ain't smooth going recently , its tough i admit . but well , im okay . im still doing way fine . idk why but yeah , sometimes i just would want to choose to collapse . cause its tiring to be strong all the time . just for that moment of time when you collapse and pass out , you'd forget every single thing , just for that short moment . it sounds super stupid and silly . but when you're fighting for everything you want or need or you just have to be strong , and always picking yourself up after again and again , for way too long . it wouldn't sound stupid to you at all .

i dont mean that i dont have support from people around me . i am very very fortunate to have my baby to give me support all the time , my family and my girls from school esp , we did support each other and make sure we'll make it to the very end of the week we're suppose to submit our things . my girls help me out alot , without them , i'd really be a messed up shit in school . im really thankful to have met them :)

okay back to track on what went on recently . starting from 8th mth :) man , ive been waiting for this day for like so long . well things wasnt smooth going for quite a short time back , but everything went fine :) well , the longer your relationship gets , the tougher it gets , the stronger your love gets . no ? :) so i went to school first , got my stuff done and then went off to city hall with baby :) we went to buy tickets for the movie 'takers' and then went to play ... at the arcade HAHAH . okay , it was out first time playing together . we had loads of time to spare, so we just went ahead to play whatever we want . then went for the movie . takers was a really awesome movie , okay minus the bad ending . it sure sucked shit , but the whole damned plot , awesome . its like the show ' the italian job' , yes its as nice . and not much movies similar to these 2 can come up with a better and less expected plot . so that movie , was pretty much worth the watch . i hardly watch such movies , unless they are really good . baby likes to watch such movies , and i rmber , our first date before we got together , was also some action packed movie , L.A.C . i really hardly watch such action packed stuffs , but i'd watch it for him :) cause he likes it , and well they are actually pretty good . after the movie , it was about 2hrs plus fyi . we went for our dinner at the asian kitchen , finished dinner and went home . cause i had things to do too , the next day was submission day . it was another simple celebration , but a good one :) well any day with baby , is a good one :)

and on submission day , okaaaay , first time , i panicked in school myself all the way till zie turned up . i was like panicking and trying not to panic and jessica was panicking with me also . LOL okaaaaay whaaaat . look , its submission day , you will hear alot of ' FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK LA . HOW HOW HOW . DIE DIE DIE , WTF WTF WTF . EH HELP SHIT SHIT SHIT ' everywhere around you . but okay eventually , everything went smoothly because of my 3 saviours . zie , sarah and baby . zie helped me to rush my printing and alottttt LOL . sarah helped me with the harddisk and baby , i made him travel all the way from home to my house and to school just to pass me smthing . sorry baby :S didn't mean to trouble you so badly :/ okay , not going to go into details why cause if i do . imma blow up . and i fell sick , i was having like real bad fever and only managed to reach home at 7plus . rested and fell asleep , baby was next to me all the time playing his iphone :) okay , he didnt seem super worried initally and keeps playing with his games , but he still cares :) it was :( but oh well , boys . and i know he cares so yeah :) i got sick pretty bad like 38.7 that night . but i managed to get better the next day.

and saturday , baby came over bout late noon . i fell asleep while using my laptop on my bed , i was like totally happy to see him ! :) we took photos , like finally . after soooo long . its been pretty long since we last took photos ! then played with his phone and before you know it , he had to go off . time always flies whenever im with him . we used to always complain we'd never have enough time together . and before baby left , he suddenly pulled me close , gave me the biggest tighest hug ever , and kissed me hard . man , i'd swear , at that point of moment , the whole world just seems to stop . i could really feel , that boy , who just kissed me , he loves me with all his heart . i really felt happy and very blessed , to have met him and made him mine :) i love you silly boy :) <3

and im all geared up for isp .
ive got my idea , concept and everything seems pretty much clear .
imma gonna make it for isp !
right , time to get no life .

im finally done with my final assignment week . 2 days of rest then back in action again for isp . im sick , fucking sick . fever as high as 38 . i hate today , i swear i do . im going to cry alone tonight . im a fucking loser ,

i did it , i managed to finish my illust , i really did it . its due tml , i was panicking today . i really thought i couldnt be able to finish and it looked shit compared to my classmates works . i was feeling extremely tired out aldy when i reached home . i wanted to sleep , and after that wake up awhile later to do work . but i went to open up my file and then suddenly just ddint feel like sleeping anymore , i was so annoyed , i want to get it over and done with , its like about 20% more to finish . and yes , i didnt sleep and chiong all the way . and i did it , i made it . and i ran up and down prancing arnd the house screaming i did it .

in the midst of doing and everything , i really felt like giving up and go to bed first . and twitter , everyone was saying the same thing . im tired , im stressed , idk how long can i hang on . motivating people and asking them not to give up because last week to go , i lost motivation myself . all those moments of breaking down , feeling low and keep picking myself up over and over again , trying to self motivate , its not easy . but it makes you stronger . everyone can motivate you , one particular person's motivation can make you even more motivated , but it all comes down to yourself . if you dont pick yourself up , dont get a grip , no one's gonnar be able to make you pick yourself up and start again . im pretty amazed by the fact that i manage to make it . im someone who can be independent or very independent , and with baby arnd , im totally dependent on him . and i got so used to it , when he's suddenly not always there anymore and could only be there for me with mental support , i really felt like okay , im dead i can't make it this time . but i did , okay had to go through all those crazy breaking point moments and like about to break moments , but in the end i did . just 1more module left this week .

1 more module . im going to make it . im totally worn out but im going to push myself .
just 4 more days , 4 more .

and i have to thank baby , somehow or rather . everything past few weeks .
just made me stronger . and his mental support , was a huge push to me . everytime .
thank you baby :) <3
what doesnt kills you , just makes you stronger .

i feel kind of accomplished today , okay maybe not extremely . because even though ive done my surrealism , im kind of afraid i might still need changes and that would mean i didnt manage to really finish it . and im close to finishing my planet x poster . yes i went into working mood today and worked my ass out the whole day and ytd midnight . so im sort of left with about 40% of planet x poster and comic a2 size board to finish up . i shall try and finish up comic by thurs , okay i have to . so by thurs it shall be done .

and i missed out 10:10 TWICE :( i wanted to wish during 10:10 for baby and grandpa :/ and i love sundays , cause its family day :) i get to see everyone in the family , which makes the whole house really warming :) and grandpa sort of grew skinnier :/ he lost weight , and he's still unable to speak , he lost his voice for like weeks aldy but its not sore throat , and he complained bout pains at the left side of the body , which is the cancerous part :/ well , i think what my uncle sort of predicted is going to be true , which is a fucking bad thing . he kind of suspected that the cancerous cells spreaded and its what causing the pain and lost of voice , which might be permanent :/ yes permanent , which makes me feel like crying at the thought of it . but everything is not cfmed yet , until he goes for his CT scan on next friday and results next next thursday . idk what to hope , im scared hopes will be dashed . i just , maybe dont feel like saying anything bout it till his results are out ...

okay, and im gonnar sleep early tonight . soon probably , when baby is done with bathing and calling me . im pretty much tired and have to wake up earlier to be in school tml to finish up my stuff . and i hope my left leg would stop hurting by tml . its been hurting since saturday and today hurt pretty bad . it'll only hurt when i walk and esp when i carry heavy things , i had to limp abit today . really ouch like mad . i can't wait for thurs and friday to come . thurs would be 8th mth :) and friday would be submission week , after submission i'd be free like shit . for 2 days LOL . imma sleep , rest , play and do no work . YES DO NO WORK , KISS MY ASS .

and tml , i really reaaaaally hope winnie would give me a good pass this time . i aldy have 2 Ds for my previous assignments :/ i really put in alot of effort this time , pleaaaaase pass me well . and i can't wait to show cmc my catalogue , im super happy with my final outcome . pretty awesome to me hehe ! :) tml's gonnar be a longggg day , reaching school at 10am to get my typo from print shop and lessons straight from 12 to 6pm . and i kind of hope , reaaaaally hope , a little teeny weeny tiny bit of hope that at leasttttt i could be able to see baby tml , cause he has to go back to his agency to do some paperwork for pay . and if its in the evening , i hopeeeee i could meet him to even just go home together , yes i miss him so much :/ i dont intend to ask him to stay out or send me home cause he'd be too tired . he worked his ass out today , poor boy . but then again , im trying not to pin too much hopes on it . cause it seem like 90% it'd be impossible . oh well :(

okay , back to work now .
trying to finish up illust as much as possible .

im feeling extremely pissed off with myself now and fucking tired out . im stuck , fucking stuck with my photo manipulation poster . its supposed to look surreal , ive made jarine's photo into flames aldy , but idk what else to add . i just can't hand it up like that . im fucking sick and tired of doing work aldy . worrking the shit out for practically weeks and next week is aldy submission week . this to be handed up on wed . i have another one UNDONE to be handed up on tuesday and 2 a2 size boards to be finished on thurs . FML MUCH , IM SO PISSED OFF . IM LIKE NOT THINKING , MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING ANYMORE . IM ALWAYS GOING TO SLEEP THINKING BOUT ASSIGNMENTS AND IDEAS UNTIL I DONT EVEN KNOW I FELL ASLEEP . IM PRETTY MUCH WORN OUT .

im so pissed off with myself now srsly , few more days to go and im shutting down like that . why the fuck is this happening .
and this sucks , even more , when i have to cope alone
fuck it seriously .

and im bout to reach mine aldy . i just screamed fuck at my laptop and mum came over to ask what happend and yes , i broke down . this time she chose to ask whats wrong instead of nagging like she used to . she could tell , this time im really really worn out .

i think i just had like hmwrk rush LOL ! i was sketching out the damn mascot , and feeling all stressed out and suddenly ideas popped into my mind and i sketched out 2 a4 size posters . WOOHOO . awesome right ! and im liking the second one alot . but teddy bears as mascot , there's nothing much to change ! okay i hope i can convince bel tml that my idea will look okay . hmmmmmmmm .

right probably think awhile , hmwrk rush please come , then i shall finish sketching a few more designs then bed time ! YAYYYY !

class is freezing cold now , and im really shaking in class like literally . winnie said there's improvement in my work , its a awesome thing i guess . she's so hard to please and when she says there's an improvement i think there really is . and for cmc's class , he approved everything , just that i need to redo on new size , totally did on a wrong size . oh wellllll :( copy paste copy paste and resize and resize and resize . and since these two super important and troublesome module are like approved , i should really be happy . school is just way too stressful , honestly . there's really too much to finish . im not the only one saying it . but this time , at the rate im going , i should be able to complete on time . i hope i do .

well but there's a price to pay to work at the rate im going or faster , so that i'll be able to complete on time or even beforehand . no more last mins , there's no zie or sarah or shien to scream for anymore . im on my own :/ well , this sucks . and there's no more ' hello baby can you help me take my thumbdrive ? ' early in the morning . this week is the last week left , and this week is going to suck , hands down . thurs im going to work after school . and friday working , which means , there goes 2 days and half a day of rest , im so fucked :( well on the other hand .... im controlling my stress level well , okay maybe not super good but no more crazy tantrums or crying session . but it sucks when ppl still use it against you to push all faults :/ fuck you . LOL .

okayyyy honestly , not in the best mood now . but i still feel slightly happy . i think my nerves are like badly damaged ? i can feel happy even when im stressed out . AND YES IM NOT KIDDING , school is really stressful . even zie and shien have their 'fuck im so emo' moments . the workload , its really not those kind that you can working constantly and then get your motherfucking sleep . its so much sometimes you see the bloody load no matter how much to work on it its like not decreasing , it just pisses you off . well , zie and i got our moments just ytd night .
okay , i dont feel like ranting much . im just feeling kind of :'/ and :) now . (idk why the happy feeling is still there but okay pardon me)
and yes im so sorry livejournal but you're the only thing i can rant nonstop and you wont get sick .
cause you can't talk .
HAHA .

2 hrs sleep to last for a whole day of walking and taking photos . yes i did that and im just home not long . im so bloody tired right now and tml is aldy fucking sunday . mother fucking sunday . which means , i only have tml to complete a pile of stuffs and also going back to visit ahgong . well things are a bit unclear with his condition right now also . and 1 more week . 1 more fucking week left to finish EVERYTHING , fuck you school .

im so fucking tired and i really need to finish things i need to submit . before i fucking fail year 2 sem 1 .
i need a breather much ...